ever think that you've been writing so much or something, then realize that you haven't, not in the sense that you were thinking?

i feel like i've been blogging a lot, but i haven't. its kinda weird. i dunno. i guess it's been comments and other crap like that.

ever read or hear a poem and think that it could represent part of your life? ok, maybe not represent, but... as if the writer has taken a peek into your head, into your life and written part of it out? or what it could have been like? or something? its hard for me to explain what i mean. then again, i don't make much sense on the best of days.

ever wish that someone in your life would come back to you?


i cried yesterday. for no reason at all. ok, i kinda had a reason, but its so lame. but i cried.

i've been wanting to cry for a while now. i don't know why, it was just something that i wanted. and yesterday was practically the most perfect day to cry. it would have been better if it was thundering and there was lightening, but it was rainy, and i cried.

crying with the rain. in a way its almost poetic.

and no, i wasn't crying because i didn't to eat sushi (i wasn't that hungry anyway). and i wasn't crying because i didn't get to hang out with steve.

christina called me around 3ish, and she asked me if i was ok. i said i was fine, but then i just got this overwhelming feeling of sadness. after i hung up, i really wanted to cry. so i looked for a sad movie to watch. Dragonheart. I started crying even when it wasn't sad.
i hadn't even gotten through 1/2 an hour of the movie before turning it off, going into my room and started crying, clutching my stuffed animal, watching a candle burn.

ever get really sad without knowing why?

maybe its not sadness at all, but really fear.

maybe i'm scared of something only my subconscious can access. maybe its not fear at all. i dunno.

Bob Ross's 9th anniversary has passesd.

What kind of anniversary? the anniversary of his death.

When was this anniversary? July 4th

Who is Bob Ross? He was a painter on pbs, and other channels like it.

i used to come home from school and watch him for half an hour, painting "happy little trees" and stuff like that. he was so cool.

how do i know when he died? well, i thought he died the same day my great aunt died, but i looked it up and that's not true at all. he died in the same year though. that should count for something.

i remember finding out about it on the news or something and being really upset. My favorite painter, dead. i wanted to cry. i might have almost started to.

he was so.... pure?

"We don't make mistakes here, we just have happy accidents. We want happy, happy paintings. If you want sad things, watch the news. Everything is possible here. This is your little universe."

-Bob Ross

He used to always say stuff like that when he was painting. it was always 'your little universe'.

maybe that's why i liked watching him paint, because everything he did was so optimistic. he was always so happy.

i miss watching him paint...